Before I Let Go
I’m a hoarder.
Some people who know me are reading this and are screaming “finally”.
Y’all can mind y’all damn business
I hold on to the sentimental things, cause who wouldn’t. The letters, the pictures, the trinkets. But at some point, it gets a bit weird. Clothes I can’t fit into or remember the good times I had in it though it clearly has seen better days. I’ll hold on to pens because I am always gonna need a pen right?!?! Why would I throw away this perfectly good free one? I take my time using things because I never want it to finish and I can’t find it again and lose the feeling it gives me, from perfume to spices. I realized how bad it was when I moved to California and my friends were able to play an active game of “Guess when this expired” as they helped me pack up and throw my stuff out. I was slightly embarrassed but more so shocked at myself. Why did I do this? I joke and say nostalgia is my favorite drug but I realized now that the only joke there was me. I was so focused on holding on to the past, I didn’t clear any space in my life for the stuff coming in the future. And although I am getting better on the materialistic side, it the people side that just hit me like a ton of bricks.
I hoard relationships.
Writing that looks crazy. But I literally popped up off my couch to write this because someone has been living rent-free in my mind for weeks. They are great but I’ve come to a space where I’m not sure if they deserve my full friendship anymore, and I am fighting myself to justify it. But why? Cause I see the potential I usually tell myself but where am I seeing it? Not in their actions, not in their conversations, but in how it began. The past. I am living in nostalgia.
Hoard (\ ˈhȯrd \, V.): to collect and often hide away a supply of : to accumulate a hoard.
Sometimes we feel alone, sometimes we aren’t sure where our next supply of support, love, romance, sex, laughter comes from, so we collect and store away the relationships that brought us that, at a point in time. We don’t let it go when it doesn’t serve us anymore. We see letting go as a dismissal of the time when that thing or person was important to us. It almost seems disrespectful. Unappreciative. But how much can we appreciate ourselves if we give space to something or someone who has expired in our life. We are not making room for the things that serve us. We are holding on to the past like an unglued wig on a roller coaster. And if no one had told you, you deserve better than potential. You deserve better than hope. You deserve better than a positive past that has turned into a passive present. You deserve love the way you want it, support the way you want it, and consistency the way you want it. Y’all probably like okay hoe, we not 15, tell us something we don’t know…. Aight cool. It’s your fault you don’t have it.
Last one - I hoard men.
Whew chile I hope old nigg…. joints* don’t read this but…. I hoard men. From exes, to old flames, to men who I just spent… uh… adult leisure time with, to men I actually wouldn’t even let hold my hand if I was falling off a cliff. I hoarded them. Made sure I always had the option to have them around when I was lonely, when I needed an ego boost, when I needed anything to be honest. I hated the thought of not having any hoes. I thought it was a reflection of me. Am I not cute? am I not funny? Am I not a mother fucking prize? I hoarded the men of my past, especially when I saw none in the near future. The most horrible hoarding I did were with the men I loved though. I always had a reason (read excuse) as to why I kept them in my life. “They have a good heart” “They are misunderstood” “They love me too but I understand how hard it is to be vulnerable” “I don’t love them anymore like that, but we are still friends”. I was a delusional bitch. I wasn’t lying to anyone but myself. And honestly, all of these things may have been true, but that doesn’t negate the fact that they didn’t deserve to have the space in my life based on how they treated me. I think I established that I very rarely like men, so the ones I actually do, and even love, it was like I handed them a personal pass to my space and energy. Willingly offering them the love and support I was scared to even hint that I needed in return. Then getting mad when they didnt live up to the person I built in my head off of past hoarded experiences. Then eventually leading to a block list so long it looked like a CVS receipt. I have gotten better, but it’s a constant struggle…
So when I felt myself resenting this friend today, realizing I’ve dished out so many “I’m here if you need me” or “Just checking in, hope you’re good” or “I want to support you” and realizing I am not receiving them back, I had to check myself. That’s not their fault, it’s mine. For not letting them know what I need in our relationship. Or for still allowing them in my space if I did have that conversation and nothing has changed. I realized I lost good people in my life in a bad way because I saw them not reciprocating how I felt as a sign of my value when that was my own insecurities. I believed it was them, hurting me… but it was really that I was hurt and it was easier to put a face to the blame, than face the blame.
Letting go doesn’t have to be negative. Now I realize the necessity of letting go healthily. It can be a sign of appreciation for the time spent together, and realizing you’d rather part with grace and gratitude than with malice. It can save hurt, and relationships, and bring peace. But most importantly, it opens your space for the best thing to come.
xoxo,
Sio