Softest Place On Earth…
My coworker (and friend) Bukky doesn’t beat around the bush. Its one of my favorite things about her. Talk isn’t small with her in the best ways possible. We hadn’t seen each other forever because of the pandemic, so when she came to NYC for AdWeek, we decided to spend some time catching up.
Who can you be soft with?
She asked me. I felt my throat close a little. My heart race a bit. I answered immediately. I named my best friends. Cause if its one thing a Capricorn Is gonna so is have an answer. And at that time, it wasnt a lie. The answer just wasn’t thoughtful. Bukky being born 2 days later smiled because she knew what I was doing.
No, Who can you really be soft with?
I thought about it, and admitted the new guy I was seeing. We were only a month in but he had been such a safe space. He saw that I was a thug, but he saw that I was trying with him. Was patient as I opened up. He took me on weekly dates. Brought me flowers every time. Brought me hair products. I put on make-up and dresses for our dates. We’d kiss just to kiss. We cuddled. LIKE I ACTUALLY INITIATED IT AND TOLD HIM PUT ME IN HIS ARMS. It sounds corny as Fuck, but I felt ladylike with him. The men who Ive loved have treated me like a friend, but were intimate. Which is great but this one made me feel like a friend, feminine, and we were intimate. I was so unfamiliar with this space, but he made me feel like there was actually space to be soft, so I tried. Which made this answer, a little less bullshit
(He also hit the 6-8 week dating time limit that unevolved Leo men have that I notice a lot of LEO men have and we haven’t spoken since. Which is probably for the best because he was very soon after the end of my last situation and I think we could have gotten married if we both in better spaces and I would never want to hurt him. So I wish him nothing but love from afar.
What does being soft mean to you?
.
In my head, Im like Aight now Bukky?!?! Like come on. This is Hudson Yards not the Red Table. I answered immediately. And we talked for some but it wasn’t until days later, that I truly processed her words and the conversation. When I realized the severity of the conversation. I don't even remember my answer to question. I was on autopilot. I don't even realize I do it most times until days or weeks later. I have this thing where to manage my emotions, I kinda turn into a robot. Computing the answers, but completely void of the emotions. Because, I don’t like the person I am with uncontrolled emotions. Not like she bad… but like she’s vulnerable. And you know auntie don’t like that.
Who can you be soft with? What does being soft to you mean?
The questions haunted me. It rang in my ear when idle space happened. And I was overwhelmed at the realization that I didn't have a real answer to either question. I am the first born, the first girl, the first generation American of a West Indian family. Soft isn’t really a word I’d use to describe any part of that. Growing up in the Bronx, where cracking jokes is an insult, I don’t equate soft to much of my upbringing. I even googled “what does it mean when you're soft in a relationship?”. Apparently no one else knew either. The closest I got to figuring it out was 15 undeniable signs that you have a soft someone: The signs were:
1) You care for them… a lot
2) You treat them differently
3) You cannot say no to them
4) You’re trying all the things they like
5) You can’t seem to get mad at them
6) You’ll defend them tooth and nail
7) You don’t mind their flaws
8) They make you feel very happy
9) …And you’ll do anything to make them happy
10) You make time for them
11) You think about them 24/7
12) Every little thing reminds you of them
13) You want to talk to them…always
14) You hold their opinion in high regard
15) Your family or friends say so
And looking at this I realized I have/had people who provided the above. I’ve provided the above to people happily. I meant it when I said my friends. They have been begging me to be vulnerable and transparent and lean on them for years. I equated vulnerability to being soft. But the more I thought on it, I wasn’t sure. It all just seemed unattainable. Even my defense mechanism was to harden up and become mechanical. I didn’t have the luxury of having someone to be soft with because I don’t know how to be soft. I don’t know how to be soft. I. Do. Not. Know. How. To. Be. Soft. I was coming up on 37 years on this earth. 37 years of loving and being loved, and I don’t know where softness fit in. I racked my brain to think if I was ever “soft”. Was it every present and just left. Was that why relationships didn’t last? Was this why sometimes I felt disconnected from friends? Was softness what was missing?
I started thinking about how life hardened me. Death. Lost loves (romantic, platonic, familial), body shaming (from self and others), a pandemic, just about anything on the news, racism, work issues…just life… Life makes you hard. And if you didn’t know you were supposed to be actively keeping some softness about yourself despite the brutality of the world, if you weren’t taught what softness was, how the fuck are you supposed to know what it is? How are we supposed to know who is worthy of sharing it with? How are we supposed to be it. Figuring out what being soft is made my head hurt.
I know I need to explore what this looks like more. My word for 2022 is deserving, and reminding myself I am worth and deserving of all the good. As much as the word soft has been used as an insult, I see the good in it. and I deserve to learn what it means. I deserve to be able to feel that way with someone(s) and create a space for people to be open to feeling that way with me. I deserve the peace that comes with softness.
That’s why I am on this birthday trip, and tricking on myself. Loving on myself. Last year was tough, probably the roughest, and think I got hardened to the point of breaking. I didn’t want another unintentional birthday. If I thought I had any clue about what being soft meant, I know id find the answer on a beach. So while I’m still discovering what softness is and committing to exploring it, I have figured out who I can be soft with…Myself.
Also, immense gratitude to my fellow Capricorn Bukky, who always makes sure that I’m not living life on autopilot, digs deeper than I am willing to go, and makes sure I acknowledge all parts of myself, good and bad. In her beautiful words, Life is generous.
xoxo from the beach.
Sio
