All Jokes Aside…
It’s been a little while since I put pen to paper. I’ve wanted to write but nothing was there. Well, that’s a lie. There are always things there. Overthinkers always have something to write about, but it felt forced. Felt like a chore. I think I’m realizing I didn't want to fully accept the thoughts in my head. Writing has a way of gutting the truth out of me and I have been trying to keep my insides intact. But sometimes, you just have to rip the bandaid off.
Last night, a friend of mine who is a therapist said one of her clients admire me. She thought it might have been weird to tell me but I didn’t feel weird at all. I felt shocked. And flattered. And I expressed that. She said her client admired my confidence and the support system I had … and I laughed. Cause although flattered, I felt bad. I realized how the perception of Instagram or Twitter has made people think I’m am this bad bitch being lifted up by my friends to be an even badder bitch. I felt like a fraud. I know how I admire people via the internet and how it affects me, and here I was casting this false portrayal of a together life to onlookers. Let me tell y’all right now. I’m a motherfucking catfish.
I stopped dating the first person in almost 10 years that I could see myself truly spending the rest of my life with. I also lost a friendship that meant so much to me. Both for reasons I still do not understand, and now I’m at the point where I can’t care anymore. I wish them both the best, and based on their actions, the best does not include me. I’ve already learned to live without them. Both losses were not my decision and triggered every abandonment issue I know I have. Every morning I have to remind myself I am a good person just to get out of bed. Remind myself that I am worthy of love of all forms even though these two losses make me doubt that regularly. Confident?. Lmao. I’m at the point where these losses have made me question the validity and importance in all my friends’ lives, and I stay to myself with my dog binging SVU because putting myself in the position to lose someone else is a crippling thought. The “confidence” people see is mainly to trick myslef into thinking I’m okay. And even that compliment brings out some insecurities. You tell people “I admire your confidence” because they are brave as hell to feel like they look good when they don’t. Lmao. And I don’t know who this person is but I’m POSITIVE she meant no malice. But this is just to show you how NOT confident I am. I make the conscious choice to be comfortable in my skin, but there is always doubt in my mind. It doesn’t come easy at all.
And the support system. Yes. My friends and family love me dearly. They’d do anything for me and I’m blessed. That doesn’t stop me from feeling alone every. single. day. Every day I isolate myself a little bit more and more to not be a burden. To not open up more to people who will leave. To avoid being vulnerable. Nothing hurts more than telling someone you’re scared to lose them and they say they’d never abandon you, and then they do. It’s scarring. Death is hard. But when a relationship dies and you know the person is walking around somewhere happier because you’re not in their lives…shit. That someone I loved so deep can wake up and decide, I never need to talk to her again, is something I’ll never be able to handle. Again, I don’t want to be in anyone’s life who doesn’t want me, but to not be considered worth a conversation. To not be considered worth a goodbye. I’ll never be able to handle that easily. And I know I can’t stop this from happening again, so I just hide cause it’s safer. It’s easier. Less risk.
But we all know with less risk comes less reward. Emotionally, these past few months have been some of my hardest and I’ve realized that nothing good will come from me feeling this alone. I’m openly in therapy and even that doesn’t work if I don’t work with it. My support system can’t support me if I’m not honest about what I need or where I’m at. Love will never find me again if I’m too scared to lose it when it comes around. I’m actively learning to appreciate the moments of joy I had with people instead of mourning the moments that could have been. I’m actively learning I’m a good person whether others see it or not. I’m actively learning to love myself unapologetically, and not let my confidence come from validation (i got something for y’all on this too), and I’m actively learning to let people give me what I need because it almost impossible to do it alone.
However, if you take nothing else from this post, remember we all going through it, no matter what you see on IG, Twitter, or superficially in real life. Be kind. Move with intention. And do things with grace.
always with love, Sio