I’m Obsessed
January 6th, 2018, I was with my family having my 33rd birthday dinner. My mom made this seafood spread that had me slumped. My grandma and aunt were in Antigua for my Uncle Clyde’s funeral, and they FaceTimed in. I remember talking a bit to my grandma and then mid convo she asked why I was at my mother’s house. Laughing I said “for my birthday grandma”, and she replied “Oh it’s your birthday?”. I looked around the dining room table confused and my family avoided my eye contact like they had avoided telling me the secret that was obvious at that very moment.
My grandma has Alzheimer’s. One of the strongest women I know loses a bit of her memory every day, and all I could do is sit back and watch. If you aren’t familiar with Alzheimer’s, then you don’t know the anger that comes with the confusion. The episodes. You don’t know what it’s like to cry with a room door closed so you don’t upset them any more than they already may be. What it’s like watching someone you love relive losing someone they loved, because they didn’t remember they had died. My heart breaks regularly for my grandmother, and the fact there is nothing that can be done to save the memories of the woman who has saved my life, multiple times.
However, the thing that stands out the most to me is the things they do remember. Actually, obsess over. My grandmother’s obsession is money. All the beautiful memories she has, and she obsesses over money, or lack thereof. She is always complaining about bills and not having any money to pay them (which isn’t true), and gets her pressure high over this struggle that is very real in her head. She worked so hard her whole life, earned 3 master’s degrees, and taught countless students to be registered nurses. She is one of the hardest working women I know. The others are my mom and aunts. My family prides themselves on working themselves to the bone. And unfortunately passed that trait down to me. Yet, even with all of that hard work the thought of paying a bill sends my grandma into a panic and throws off her whole day. This is what plays over and over in her mind. The prevalent thought in her 77 years of life.
I often think about the fact that, if this is hereditary, what do I want my mind to get “stuck on”. What would I want to obsess over? I’m sure I won’t get that lucky to pick the recurring thought in my head but I have a theory that what I fill my life with, will be most likely be the prevalent thought in my head during those last few years. As of right now, I’m heading down the same track as grandma and I refuse to overthink about bills when I survived 2020 (and the other plague that is know as men).
This year was the first time I brought New Years alone. I was gonna bring it in with my family, but I had a baby COVID scare, and though I was 90% sure I didn’t have it, I saw what it did to my grandmother the last time, and that 10% was too high of a chance (plus my family told me to stay my ass home). I could have went to a socially distant New Year party, but the thought of driving made me climb back in bed. At first, I was distraught. Holidays aren’t made for being alone. You are supposed to spend and celebrate them with people you love, not alone in some run-down sweats, watching SVU. I admittedly was acting okay, but I was bawling for a good part of the day. LOL. Then around 11:30, I decided not to feel bad for myself. I put on a silky nighty, poured myself a glass of champagne, and FaceTimed my family to countdown to midnight. I had to gather myself. As bad as 2020 was for so many, mine was amazing. Of course there were shitty moments, but I thrived, grew professionally and personally, got closer to some of my favorite people, and prospered financially (amen). My panic attacks were down, and I was so happy that one day I cried. So why would I focus on being alone for a little bit on one night (in my new apartment back in NYC and my new car parked in the garage) when I was so blessed? I had to tell myself I was being stupid. A bad moment or day, doesn’t equal a bad life. Being alone doesn’t mean I’m lonely. And because I wasn’t around loved ones, doesn’t mean I am not loved. That’s when I realized what is the one thing I want to obsess over.
Gratitude.
I am grateful for every moment in my now 36 years and I never want to forget that. They have made this life that I wouldn’t change for anything (well, Id change not buying stock in Apple, Google, Amazon and Tesla, but I digress). They taught lessons that take me into every day humble. They made me thankful for the moments where I felt the most loved and the most appreciated, even if it was from myself. I want to obsess on being thankful. New Year’s night, grandma blew me a kiss and said “5 more days til your birthday”. I was so grateful for the fact she remembered, and reminded myself to be grateful my grandmother is still here. And that I can still give her more beautiful memories to replace the ones she temporarily misplaced. I can give her more reasons to be thankful, and in the process, give myself a few too.
Gratitude is the best gift I can give myself this birthday, and every day for the rest of my life.